Confession

Mike and I decided to only have one child. We know what we can handle. We know what we have room for and what we can afford. I was so worried about being a good mother to Liam. We both worried about our marriage in the sense that we knew our "us" time would be pretty much gone. We were fairly certain of our decision but decided to wait a year just to make sure.
It has been an amazing journey this past year. We handled acid reflux, failed breasting attempts, floods, emergency trips to Florida, Mom's death, adjusting to parenthood, adjusting to my return to work, and Liam's adjustment to daycare. Mike and I make our marriage a priority, knowing that someday, Liam is going to move out and be the center of someone else's world. We share beers after he goes to sleep. In the summer, we brought the monitors out and had fires in the backyard. While we've only had a handful of dates, I feel our relationship is stronger than ever even though we have never been so busy.
Around Thanksgiving, Mike and I returned to our decision to just have one child. I'll admit that I always saw myself having two children. This was, however, before I saw how much work a baby really requires. Kristy is fifteen months younger than I am and, although I know we'd probably hate each other if we weren't sisters, she is one of the most important people in my life. I can't imagine surviving my youth without her. We decided one child works best for us. Mike made the necessary appointment. The consulation is, ironicly, on Liam's first birthday.

One child allows me to continue working. Daycare for two would eat my paycheck. I worked too hard to give up my career. I enjoy teaching. One child allows us to plan for emergencies. Need to hop on a plane and go to Florida? Ok. It made us tight but we managed. Liam needs a new coat or the Jeep needs new tires? Get it taken care of. Much of the drama in my childhood involved my parent's inability to manage money. When I was very young, my parents did a very good job of makig sure Kristy and I didn't know we were poor. As we grew, it was impossible not to notice bill collctors' phone calls. I always swore I'd never do that to my own offspring. One child allows Mike and I to focus on each other as well as the baby.

Maybe it is because Liam is about to turn one and I realize my days of snuggling him in my arms and having a baby are coming to an end. Maybe it is because there have been some stories of young men dying in their teen years and I am scared of losing the one person who calls me "Mama." Maybe it is because, with my mom gone and my dad in Florida, Kristy is the only blood relative I talk to on a regular basis. What happens if, after Mike and I are gone, Liam is alone? He will not even have cousins.

This past week, Mike and I were both on vacation. The plan was to put Liam in daycare so we could work on the basement.= and take one day to ourselves. We jokingly refered to it as "Nooner Week." Nooner Week was only supposed to go until Thursday due to my "friend." Sunday comes and Mike realized I am late. I should also add that, due to an insurance issue, I was not on the pill this month. I was not paying $120 out of pocket so we vowed to be careful. So here I am, three days late and not on the pill. It was time to go back to taking a pregnancy test and praying for a negative. On the drive to CVS, I decided to actually pray. Out loud and everything. I asked Him to do whatever He thought was right and we would accomidate His decision.

My confession: even though I knew it went against everything we had planned, I was asking God for a positive. I'm not sure why. Maybe it was because the idea of another baby was rolling around in my head. God must have been listening. I got my period in the parking lot of CVS before I even took the key out of the ignition. He really does know what is best for us.